National Domestic Violence Abuse Month (Week 1)

The Counseling Corner

Rev. Judith T. Lester, B.Min., M.Th.

National Domestic Violence Abuse Month (Week 1)

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence in one year alone 12.7 million men and women in the U.S. are physically abused, raped or stalked by their partners. Let’s put it into perspective….that is approximately the number of people in New York City and Los Angeles combined! That is 24 people every minute. The Sojourner Family Peace Center in Milwaukee noted that historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew and that females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk for intimate partner violence. These are people you and I know. It may be your sister, daughter, aunt, mother, close friend, brother, son, uncle or even a fellow church member that is the victim of domestic violence. It is time to end the silence and shame for good and challenge the stigma that surrounds those who are victims of domestic violence. This month we will be raising visibility and awareness of domestic violence.

 

What is Domestic Violence/Abuse? Domestic abuse, or “battering,” is a pattern of abuse by one partner against the other, for the purpose of maintaining power and control. Domestic abuse often includes (but NOT ALWAYS) physical abuse. Forms of domestic abuse can include:

 

Physical Battering. The abuser’s attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks (this can include the abuse of household pets).

 

Sexual Abuse Physical attack by the abuser is often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual abuse where the woman is forced to have sexual intercourse with her abuser, or to engage in unwanted sexual activity.

 

Psychological Battering. The abuser’s psychological or mental abuse can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, fault-finding, isolating the woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property.

 

Battering Intensifies. It often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, abuse in your presence (such as punching a fist through a wall) and/or damage to objects or pets. It may escalate to restraining, pushing, kicking, slapping, pinching, tripping, biting, throwing, or grabbing. Finally, it may become life-threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of deadly weapons. (Remember, ANY household item can be used as a dangerous weapon!)

Children and Abuse

Domestic violence affects children, even if they’re just witnesses. If you have children, remember that exposure to domestic violence puts them at risk of developmental problems, psychiatric disorders, problems at school, aggressive behavior and low self-esteem. You might worry that seeking help could further endanger you and your children, or that it might break up your family. Fathers might fear that abusive partners will try to take their children away from them. However, getting help is the best way to protect your children — and yourself.

 

Many believe when it comes to domestic violence/abuse, only women are victims of violence. Next week we will present signs of domestic violence against men and help them recognize signs of abuse.

 

Next Week: Domestic Violence Against Men

 

 

The Counseling Corner

Rev. Judith T. Lester, B.Min., M.Th.

National Domestic Violence Awareness Month (Week 2)

 

Domestic violence — also known as domestic abuse, battering or intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. It can happen in heterosexual or same sex relationships.

 

It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening. Initially, the abuse might appear as isolated incidents. Your partner might apologize and promise not to abuse you again.

 

In other relationships, domestic violence against men might include both partners slapping or shoving each other when they get angry — and neither partner seeing himself or herself as being abused or controlled. This type of violence, however, can still devastate a relationship, causing both physical and emotional damage. The Mayo Clinic indicates the following signs of domestic violence if your partner:

 

• Calls you names, insults you or puts you down.
• Prevents you from going to work or school.
• Stops you from seeing family members or friends.
• Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear.
• Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful.
• Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs.
• Threatens you with violence or a weapon.
• Hits, kicks, shove, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets.
• Assaults you while you’re sleeping, you’ve been drinking or you’re not paying attention to make up for a difference in strength.
• Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will.
• Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it.
• Portrays the violence as mutual and consensual.

 

If you’re gay, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence if you’re in a relationship with someone who:

• Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity.
• Tells you that authorities won’t help a gay, bisexual or transgender person.
• Tells you that leaving the relationship means you’re admitting that gay, bisexual or transgender relationships are deviant.
• Justifies abuse by telling you that you’re not “really” gay, bisexual or transgender.
• Says that men are naturally violent.

 

Domestic violence against men can have devastating effects. Although you may not be able to stop your partner’s abusive behavior, you can seek help. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.

 

Next Week: Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

 

 

 

The Counseling Corner

Rev. Judith T. Lester, B.Min., M.Th.

National Domestic Violence Awareness Month (Week 3)

 

Adult domestic violence is one of the most serious public health and criminal justice issues facing women today. Most victims of domestic violence are women. Between 91-95% of all documented domestic violence cases are women being abused by male partners. About 1-2% is physical abuse of men by their female partners, and 3-8% of the total number of reported domestic violence cases involves same-sex relationship abuse. Domestic violence has no regard for socio-economic status, race, ethnicity, religion, employment status, physical able-ness, age, education, marital status, or sexual orientation. This week, we will address the subject of breaking the cycle of abuse, compliments of the Mayo Clinic.

 

If you’re in an abusive situation, you might recognize this pattern:

• Your abuser threatens violence.
• Your abuser strikes you.
• Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts.
• The cycle repeats itself.

 

Typically the violence becomes more frequent and severe over time. Domestic violence can leave you depressed and anxious. You might be more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs or engage in unprotected sex. Domestic violence can even trigger suicide attempts. Because men are traditionally thought to be physically stronger than women, you might be less likely to talk about or report incidents of domestic violence in your heterosexual relationship due to embarrassment or fear of ridicule. You might also worry that the significance of the abuse will be minimized because you’re a man. Similarly, a man being abused by another man might be reluctant to talk about the problem because of how it reflects on his masculinity or because it exposes his sexual orientation. Additionally, if you seek help, you might confront a shortage of resources for male victims of domestic violence. Health care providers and other contacts might not think to ask if your injuries were caused by domestic violence, making it harder to open up about abuse. You might also fear that if you talk to someone about the abuse, you’ll be accused of wrongdoing yourself. Remember, though, if you’re being abused, you aren’t to blame — and help is available.

 

Start by telling someone about the abuse, whether it’s a friend, relative, health care provider or other close contact. At first, you might find it hard to talk about the abuse. However, you’ll also likely feel relief and receive much-needed support.

 

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence/abuse, seek help immediately. In an emergency, call 911. For additional resources contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE or 800-799-7233. The hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to resources.

 

Next Week: Breaking the Cycle of Abuse (Conclusion)

 

 

The Counseling Corner

Rev. Judith T. Lester, B.Min., M.Th.

National Domestic Violence Awareness Month (Conclusion)

 

This month we have tackled a very difficult and painful subject – domestic violence/abuse. You were apprised of the statistics regarding domestic violence and the fact that men are also victims of domestic abuse/violence. You were also presented with warning signs to recognize when you are being abused. In the conclusion, we will continue outlining what to do to break the cycle of abuse. Once again, compliments of the Mayo Clinic, they suggest:

 

Create A Safety Plan

Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. Consider taking these precautions:

 

• Call a domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time — when the abuser isn’t around — or from a friend’s house or other safe location.

 

• Pack an emergency bag that includes items you’ll need when you leave, such as extra clothes and keys. Leave the bag in a safe place. Keep important personal papers, money and prescription medications handy so that you can take them with you on short notice.

 

• Know exactly where you’ll go and how you’ll get there.

 

Protect Your Communication and Location

An abuser can use technology to monitor your telephone and online communication and to track your physical location. If you’re concerned for your safety, seek help. To maintain your privacy:

 

• Use phones cautiously. Your abuser might intercept calls and listen to your conversations. He or she might use caller ID, check your cellphone or search your phone billing records to see your complete call and texting history.

 

• Use your home computer cautiously. Your abuser might use spyware to monitor your emails and the websites you visit. Consider using a computer at work, at the library or at a friend’s house to seek help.

 

• Remove GPS devices from your vehicle. Your abuser might use a GPS device to pinpoint your location.

 

• Frequently change your email password. Choose a password that would be impossible for your abuser to guess.

 

• Clear your viewing history. Follow your browser’s instructions to clear any record of websites or graphics you’ve viewed.

 

 

 

WHERE TO SEEK HELP!

In an emergency, call 911 — or your local emergency number or law enforcement agency. The following resources also can help:

 

• Someone you trust. Turn to a friend, relative, neighbor, co-worker or religious or spiritual adviser for support.

 

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE or 800-799-7233. The hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to resources.

 

• Your health care provider. Doctors and nurses will treat injuries and can refer you to other local resources.

 

• A counseling or mental health center. Counseling and support groups for people in abusive relationships are available in most communities.

 

• A local court. Your district court can help you obtain a restraining order that legally mandates the abuser to stay away from you or face arrest. Local advocates may be available to help guide you through the process.

 

Beloved, records show that more victims are feeling safe enough to come forward and get help due to the numerous resources available to them. Notwithstanding, battering, violence and abuse continues at alarming rates. Remember, abuse is never okay. NEVER! Batterers abuse their partners as a way to control them. If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence/abuse, seek help IMMEDIATELY.